Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
