my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
