does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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