Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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