I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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