Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
we're so committed to being not committed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
