I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
please don't ironically join a cult
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