Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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