he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
