I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
