walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
