I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
