If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
