I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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