I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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