I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
