Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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