i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
