She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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