I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
