My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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