is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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