I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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