Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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