I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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