Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
