You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize