I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
