until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
