that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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