Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
