Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
