There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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