Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
