Is it normal to miss your booty call?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm at about main and main street
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
