I wish my penis had an off switch
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
