5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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