Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
