Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
