morning after pill = breakfast in bed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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