No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
