I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
