I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
