I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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