I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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