The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
