I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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