I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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