I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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