god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
