i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
