Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
