six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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