Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
