she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
