The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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