Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
