On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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